holy stars and stripes

I had to remove the model's face. She had this look like she might just kick my ass and it was seriously damaging my full enjoyment of the effect of her extremely patriotic ensemble. And I am enjoying it. A little bright spot of mirth in an otherwise largely mirthless day.

I'm in the going back to school murk and slump I think. Or maybe it's just anniversaries that have got me down.

Seems like everything today was at least a little not ok. I had planned to stay home on account of my hip hurting, work on the class I have to teach in about two weeks, finish my appeal to financial aid so I can please go further into debt for a chance at an ambiguous career.

To my dismay, at about 11, I remembered that I had a dissertation defense to go to. A friend this time, not the ex. It was, well, I had heard it before so it was not anything new. The presentation was great. Unfortunately, attending it involved my being in a room full of people I am growing to have a powerful dislike for. So many assholes, so little space. Each time I thought I could safely direct my gaze say over there, my line of vision would intersect with someone I dislike.

It was dark, my friend standing up front doing a valiant effort to bravely present his data and findings to a bunch of shitbags, and the shitbags all sitting around the table in various stages of ethical decay. Each rubbing a hand on his face in some scholarly way. And me standing then sitting then standing then pacing in the hall outside the door then standing again in the back of the room while several of the shitbags cast me those "what are you doing?" little half looks over their shoulders. One actually stared at me for prolonged periods of time, like he could stare me down into my seat.

At several points I had to fight an urge to bite someone. I did this by telling myself they would taste bad and of course there's the whole I'd be judged insane and locked up thing.

I passed the time thinking up colorful stories I could tell should one of my very concerned faculty members say anything about my fidgeting. "I had an abortion this weekend and I think they nicked something" was high on the list.

I think I should have stayed home today. Sorry Jay...I hope my seriously negative vibes were not perceptable and if so, I hope you know they had nothing to do with you or your dissertation. I'd like to think it was just my own little private storm cloud but then again, I know I have one of those transparent faces. If you caught me grimacing, it was either pain from my hip or the stray thought of how much it sucks that you can't walk up and slap the shit out of a windbag like, oh anyone on your committee, with impunity.

Needless to say, I skipped the "after party". Pain and the fear that whatever is up with me today might drive me to say what was on my mind sent me scrambling for home soon after the defense was over. Not soon enough to spare the idiot first year who got in my way, but he's not exactly a fan of mine anyhow.

Golly, I can't imagine why.