I h8 weddings

Wedding season is here and I still have not gotten my shit together to try to sell my old wedding dress. I considered e-bay but it scares me. I keep saying I'm going to have a good old fashioned tag sale (that's what the yokels in CT call what the rest of the world who share this concept call garage or yard sales).

As I get older I dislike weddings more and more. I am a big fan of celebrating things. Life sucks enough, it makes you stop and deal with the bad. The good should be celebrated, always. But traditional weddings are just out of control. They often are bad inherently and only get worse when you add in things like pre-existing family tensions, a miserable economy, and an apparent belief that worth is measured in extrinsic symbolic values (like money spent) rather than real ones (like love, happiness, romance, good sex).

I've been to some weddings that were nice, where it didn't seem like the cost and stress of doing this event hurt the couple and their families more than it helped. But even those involved so much stress for the couple and their families/friends. Anything approaching a traditional wedding in the US is exceptionally expensive. Having been to a pretty good number at the ripe old age of 34, I gotta say, with a few rare exceptions, it just doesn't seem worth the cost and hype.

I just typed "weddings" into google and this is the featured hit - Weddings at the Balsams (grand resort hotel)

At The BALSAMS Grand Resort Hotel the destination wedding you've always dreamed of (I didn't dream of my wedding which might explain why I was such a bad, bad bride) becomes the wedding you'll always remember (Oh I remember mine, but does memorable necessarily imply dreamy? I don't think so. I will always remember that my mother bought "favors" which were little stuffed chicks (it was easter weekend) that emitted loud electronic PEEPING sounds when you squeezed them. She handed them out during the toasts).

Planning for the big event is easy with our all-inclusive packages, experienced wedding planning staff and convenient layout of indoor and outdoor settings. Keeping your guests entertained is even easier with our array of on-site resort activities. You can rest assure (I can "rest assure"? That you people will take care of every last bloody detail, but you can't proof read your damned website. Now that's just sad) your wedding day pictures will turn out gorgeous thanks to the breathtaking backdrop of sweeping mountains, sparkling lake and lush woods. For the proverbial icing on the cake, (eeek, they've rolled out the puns) our renowned culinary staff will ensure that each and every guest leaves satisfied (the staff are extremely well hung). Contact us today and let us begin planning an event you'll never forget.

Why is "you'll never forget" the catch phrase for wedding shit? Does anyone really believe you will forget your wedding day? If you stay married, even if you stop really celebrating anniversaries (at least the little ones), you still will find yourself turning to your spouse and saying "My god, do you remember at our wedding when my mother took of her shoes to dance and her extra long toenails had torn through her nylons and were hanging out like tallons?" If you get divorced, like me, you will find yourself saying to your sister or brother "Do you remember at my wedding when mom took off her shoes..."

I think it might be more accurate to say "A wedding you'll want to remember". But embedded in this is an denigration of the fine and expensive institution of weddings, which would be a no-no. It makes sense that when you are selling something that is so likely to be ultimately regretable as an expensive wedding package, you are also selling the concept of great big fluffy expensive weddings in general. I'd guess if I were selling shit like this, I wouldn't want to say anything that might make the happy couple think once let alone twice about whether this is really going to be worth all the expense.

If you think I'm overstating how hard on the couple the traditional US weddings can be, just look at this quote from one of the testimonials on the site:
"The setting of The BALSAMS, in the White Mountains overlooking a lake, is very calming."
She did not write "romantic", "charming", or "fairytale princess perfect". No. She wrote "Calming".
This rather strongly suggests she needed sedation.

Here's my best advice if you're thinking of getting hitched and you want to celebrate it. Elope. I don't recommend getting married at the town hall, it isn't romantic. Run off and get married someplace you can afford to go that is pretty and nourishes your spirit. When you come back, have a big party at the local Elks hall or something, backyard BBQ, big ass mo-fo family and friends pic nic in a park. It'll be more affordable, you won't freak out from the stress, your family and friends get to celebrate your union, and you get presents (which do serve a useful purpose that shouldn't be reserved only for newly weds, but that's another rant for another day).

Hey, here's a great idea to help defray the cost for those romantic fools who simply must have the fairytale princess perfect wedding. See if you can get a drug company to sponsor part or all of the wedding. A small and tasteful graphic or logo advertising the newest in anti-anxiety/anti-depression medications can appear on the programs, napkins, napkin holders, and whatever other junk the couple has emblazoned with their names and cartoon doves or bells. In compensation for this, the drug company can pay for something like dinner, a couple of hours of the open bar, a block of hotel rooms for the wedding party, or music and photography.

This favor is a pack of tissues. Because people cry at weddings.
Here's something to cry about.
The average cost of a US wedding could sponsor a central Asian village's water supply
and just about cover tuition for one year at Harvard.