I wanna be sedated

I freaked the fuck out today. I am a little happy that I at least figured out what triggered this, but ooof. What a freak out, and how alarming that it can even happen.

So what happened? On my way to campus, I had some errands to run. First was a stop at the drug store (CVS) to get vitamin C lozenges. Hard to find. I wound my way up and down the likely isles, one of which was stocked full of christmas stuff. I hurried through that and down to the cold remedy isle. No vitamin Cs. Back and forth through the store which was filled with annoying soccer moms and their annoying children. After a couple more circuits through the christmas stuff and the cold sections, I finally got what I needed, then stood in line waiting for far too long behind a woman who was having a nice chat with the cashier while her 8 year old looking daughter took off to play in traffic in the parking lot and her filthy toddler howled and squealed in the shopping cart - you know, not in the seat or anything. Just standing in the cart like he was a giant, horrific christmas lawn decoration.

I felt myself getting really really annoyed.

Finally got waited on, left, got my coffee, and headed to the video store to drop off the halloween movies. The list of things that continued to annoy me between the video store and campus is far too long and pathological to warrant inclusion here. Suffice it to say by the time I got to campus, I was swearing at drivers and pedestrians alike and driving like a complete asshole. I am not proud of this. I capped the big freak out off by flipping out completely on my poor dear friend A, who committed the henious crime of not picking up his cell phone right away when I called him.

Ok. I'm thinking "This can't be PMS. What the fuck!"

While sitting in the parking lot of the Thai restaurant (A is addicted to pad thai noodles) in the midst of my rant, something went CLICK!!!

Fucking Christmas decorations.

Oh god how I hate christmas. If a christmas song pops into my head in July, I shudder as if someone walked over my grave. When I stumble across my box of christmas decorations during the other non-christmasy months of the year, the feeling that they provoke is sometimes strong enough to make me cry for a moment before I hurriedly shove them aside to continue rummaging for whatever it was I was looking for which resulted in my uncovering the evil christmas stuff in the first place.

This year promises to be extra special since the break up with T. I blame T's family for so much inappropriate pressure in T's life and in our relationship. Christmas was the one time of year I could not avoid dealing with them. And although our break up was truly final only within this last season, I consider it to have started in earnest last christmas when I was examining why the thought of another christmas with his family filled me with such immense dread.

God I hate christmas.

I hated it before this, and now it seems it has gotten worse. I didn't think that could happen. Perhaps now would be a good time to call my therapist. Indeed.