Etiquette Shock Therapy

I looked up RSVP and etiquette today after sending ANOTHER message to the stragglers from the Thanksgiving invite. I wanted to know was someone out there telling people "RSVP? Fuck it!" I saw with the exception of a twit from Elle magazine on Oprah that there was near unanimous opinion in my google sample that you must RSVP or you're an asshole. Ok, Emily Post didn't use that word. But the sentiment's the same. You will be seen as unreliable and if you make a habit of it, you will be left off guest lists.

Contrary to the apparent opinions of most people my age and under, RSVP does not mean "reply if you feel like it". Nor does it mean "reply only if you are coming", "reply if you want to try to negotiate the event for a time that better fits your schedule", "reply if you are planning to bring an univited guest who you think might offend everyone", "reply if you are not coming", "reply to request accomodations if you are allergic to nuts, milk, fish, berries, wheat products, or the chicken polka", or whatever it is people seem to think it means these days. There is no "only" and there is no "if" unless the host specifies that.

It means reply, say whether you are or aren't coming, at the very least. It might also mean reply and say whether you're bringing that guy no one can stand and if you wouldn't mind brining some chips to go with the dip. It's very simple - it means reply by phone, mail, or message to your host. Replying is not the polite thing to do. It is the not unspeakably rude thing to do. Replying as soon as possible is polite. Replying by the date given for RSVP should be considered mandatory. And if the host has gone out of his or her way to contact you because you haven't replied, you should feel kind of like an idiot and reply immediately, even if your response is "I want to come but my schedule's chaotic and I can't commit to anything right now. Is this something that's flexible, and if so, does it become unflexible at any point?", reply. As a matter of fact, that is my frequent response when I am invited to out of state engagements or academic dinners which happen after academic talks, which means talk + dinner = about 5 hours of what is usually my most productive time of day. My point is you have options. If you're worried about violating a social norm or point of etiquette, it shouldn't be too hard to figure out that violating it by giving your hosts too much information with an on time reply is the lesser of two possibly poor behaviors. By not RSVPing in time for your hosts to plan food and other items that add up means you may have just wasted not only their time but their money as well. And unless the invite was to a Kwakiutl potlatch where your hosts' whole reason for throwing the party was to give them a chance to show how much they have by giving and even throwing it away, you're an asshole.

If you happen to hear in pop culture that these days people don't expect an RSVP (like the twit from Elle), realize that the source of it is assuming or wants to project the idea that their audiences have large disposable incomes. People with lots of moola are at worst imposed and put upon when more guests show up than RSVPed (because they have the money to make a last minute expansion) and they are not quite so literally heart broken when only half the number of people they shopped for show up. I know, I've been rich and I've been poor. It makes a difference. An expense that seems reasonably ok in light of the idea of a nice party seems exorbitant when it ends up being for food you probably end up throwing out at the end of the week because there's so much of it it's going bad before you can eat it.

So here's my etiquette. Didn't anyone wonder what would happen when the kids who grew up saturated in an environment of punk and protest started hosting Thanksgiving dinner? Here's my version of it. If you are someone who makes a habit of not replying to invitations, you will be repaid with public ridicule and humiliation. And I am the kind of person who really wants to give you that. It's like etiquette shock therapy. So be on notice non RSVPers. Either shape up or PRAY that your host isn't as fed up as me.

For Thanksgiving, for each person who took their sweet time RSVPing, or who made jokes about "oh I guess I'm the last one...as usual!", I'm thinking of various annoying things to do to them.

- I am considering asking the other guests to hide when the late RSVPer arrives, then acting surprised and embarassed to see a guest at my door. "Um....I guess you didn't get the message I sent saying dinner's off. I have a nail fungus and I'm not allowed to prepare food."

- I am also thinking of pretending not to have enough food or something. I could make note of all the stuff no one signed up for and announce we ran out about half way through dinner. Alternatively, I could make a note of what my non and late RSVPers signed up for and pretend I bought some too since I didn't know if anyone was bringing it. "Shit. You brought cranberry sauce? We already have a dozen cans. Oh well. You can never have...enough...whole berry cranberry sauce, I guess"

That last one requires a qualification because if this hadn't been planned and discussed (with the guests) as a potluck type dinner in advance, I would NOT do this. For the people I invited who are not American (nearly all) and/or have not hosted or been a guest at a home Thanksgiving dinner before (most), I was careful to send an e-mail with info about how thanksgiving dinners usually work. I know I did a decent job because one of my non-native english speaking peers, the Chinese grad student whose English is good but not spectacular, completely got it.

I have to admit, I do feel a bit evil plotting how to humiliate my guests. Mostly because I wonder how to prevent the "good" guests from not feeling threatened? I like my idea but there is always the larger social context which includes (if not only then at least in a great part) the other people's beliefs and expectations.

Odds are I'll say pointed things to a few people and do Thanksgiving for just two or three next year. We'll see. I did just call one of my friends to bitch him out about not RSVPing until he was literally harassed into it, and even then he paid so little attention to the invite that he didn't see the list to sign up for stuff, instead saying "just tell me what to bring". Right. Be my mommie. I don't really feel much better for having bitched at him. Lest you think I am feeling guilty, allow me to correct that gross misconception. I'm actually still mad and would really like to call him back and bitch at him more. He was driving and couldn't give me his full attention while I was telling him how rude it was and that he should call the one last non-responder to explain to her why it would be bad for her to continue to not reply.


Days like today I wonder if I could make a living as a professional dom. I think I might enjoy punishing someone who truly deserves and wants it. Providing I don't have to fuck them. Without delving too deeply into this, I think it might not be an over generalization to say that people who carry around the particular kind of baggage that makes them need to be humiliated to get off are not people I want to fuck.