Promises, promises

I've known for a while now that my ex was seeing someone new. It's come up. He's on campus now and then and we chat briefly when our paths cross. Also, every couple of weeks or so I get a random e-mail from him about some classroom material he thinks I might find useful. (My guess is he does this because he is looking for affirmation - it's not for my benefit, I'm not teaching this semester.)

During some of these exchanges, there have been oblique references to a "friend", damn, I guess since July even. I didn't directly ask because it would have been intrusive, it probably would have stung to hear him say it, and well, it just seemed like an overall bad topic to get into.

Unfortunately, we live in a small world. The part of it Tom and I occupy is just that much smaller because we are still grads in the same department, he works as an instructor for our department at a satellite campus, we have the same hairdresser and doctor, etc. Because the degrees of separation should be measured in fractions here at grad school in buttfuck nowhere CT, I am realizing info about the ex comes whether I ask or not. This has been the case with my ex husband, and it is now the case with Tom.

For example...
I had an unexpected piece of news about Tom and his "someone else" the week before break. The timing really made me wish I had just asked Tom himself even if it would have meant some discomfort. Instead, without much warning, it came up at a meeting with my department head last week. Yep. Reflecting on how exactly we got there, it seems it was through an appropriate segue at least. It went something like:
Me: While discussing the unrealistic expectations of J, our new division head - "Tom was well funded, had lots of social support mechanisms, and even he couldn't finish in 5 years. He still hasn't defended, in no small part because J shoved him out just when he was writing up the first full draft of his dissertation...what the hell is J thinking?"
DH: Tells me J is still learning how to be division head, says he can talk to him about making policy more explicit, involving grads more, soliciting our feedback, etc. Then says somethig like "So you and Tom still talk. That's good, I wasn't sure"
Me: "Yeah, sort of. Now and then," because what am I going to say? Besides, it's not untrue.
DH: "It's good you're still friends, that's good,"
Me: Slightly acerbic "Mmmm - friends might be a bit much. I mean, we're not unfriendly but we're, you know, broken up..."
DH: Launches into a blathering-foot in mouth-should've stopped 2 minutes ago-soliloquy that really shouldn't have been shared with me "I hadn't completely realized you two broke up actually but I was talking to Tom not long ago when he said something about going up to Boston, that he was seeing someone in Boston. I thought 'Is (PFG) in Boston? No...' At some point, I realized it wasn't you. That he's seeing someone else in Boston..."
Me: "Mmmm. Hm. Boston," playing with DH's Sigmund Freud action figure, making it a cape out of hot pink post-it notes.

I have to say I almost admire the man for at least not compounding the complete fuck up of a conversation with overt displays of panic. I am fully capable of that level of social gaffe, but I think I would have dissintegrated into uncomfortable barely verbal squawks punctuated by painful pauses and stammering, hoping the person I was talking to would have the social skill to extract us both from this tailspin I put us in. The best I could pull off in that situation would have been to abruptly stop and say "Shit. Sorry."

Ok. I can deal, I'm seeing someone else too. I told myself this for most of the week whenever it popped into my head.

Then I found out yesterday that Tom and the someone else have exchanged "Promise Rings". I asked about him so I did bring this particular bit of knowledge on myself. My friend A___ was at a conference that Tom attended. In my defense, I have to say, I didn't ask "hey did Tom have a promise ring on?"

I asked "So how was Tom's talk?" (bad) "you're fucking kidding...he brought his girlfriend to a boring conference?" "what's her name?" "what did she seem like" and "is she cute?" (my prediction was an overgroomed northern belle type, the kind with shiny hair slicked into a low pony tail that is only slightly tighter than the polite hint of a smile glued to a predictable pert face, a prematurely flat ass, and the personality of an oyster cracker.)

So maybe I shouldn't have asked, because the promise ring info has given me some pause. Although as the conversation with my department head demonstrated, it's not like I have to pick and dig for this information to come my way. On the plus side, this has given me a whole new set of creative answers I might offer to the "So how is old what's his name?" question. E.g., Oh you didn't hear? He's engaged! No, really. I mean, it's a little soon after getting out of a five year relationship, so I guess it's more like a betrothal. I don't know much about her, she's from Boston and her family is loaded. Her grandfather invented scoopable cat litter, so she's like the cat poop princess.

I'm realizing I'm vacillating between amused and hurt. The amused is obvious, the hurt is less so. The hurt is the bad-ish mood I keep feeling myself in when I'm not paying attention. Strangely, I do feel a little bit validated also. I haven't had a chance to sit down and think that one through. This an odd bundle of feelings.

I need to find a buddy to talk about this with because I have some serious ranting to do while I hash this one out. I don't want to do it to A___. He's great, he's my friend, but he's also become my lover. If I were in his shoes, I don't think I'd be able to deal well with hearing my current partner griping nonstop about his ex for days. I know I'd want to, but I think it would take a toll. So I have a powerful need to bitch about this situation, which means the next few posts will probably be chock full o' derisive and rarely graceful griping.

Promise rings...
Jeeezus.