More quotes from my sister

I was looking over a quote file I started (and stopped) some time ago. My sister has some excellent entries in there which really seem like they should be shared.

Food
“Jokes and snacks always get out of hand…especially in church.”

“It’s kind of like maple sugar on a piece of brown paper bag.”
(critiquing the flavor of an Oatmeal Scotchies cookie)


Our family
“Four out of five child molesters who eat pastry like it made with dead animals.”

“Why she refuses to acknowledge that they’re both in that giant diaper they call a marriage together is beyond me.”

“That’s like a 4 year old standing in the middle of the street saying ‘This is my street! And I made the sun come up today…’ ”

“What am I gonna give you for mother’s day? I’ve got a cartoon I might give you someday, but it’s not finished. I took out a book on anatomy from the library so I can learn how to draw the small intestine…”


The arts
“For christ’s sake, she doesn’t deserve to have her music played on a Fisher Price Tooty-Ville Choo-Choo train!” (on Britney Spears)

“For some reason or another, I just don’t think people respect Li’l Kim.”

"Beach Girls is a fine film!"


The body
“If you think it hurts when your labia gets tangled under your pad, wait til your nut gets clipped by a leather thong.”

“Their asses are a marvel of the ligament structure of homo sapiens, because there is no way they should remain upright. They should have collapsed.”

“If I had a nickel for every crotch I split, I’d be rich.”

“All I’m thinking is someone must've done one of those double tit clamp tug-a-wars or something, ‘cause her tits were pointing at the floor.”


Miscellaneous
“Oooh! You catty little…little…cat!”

“They should have one of those for marajuana (the bouncing ball cartoons on pre1980s TV where they taught you how to spell words like missippi). It’d go ‘M-a-r...j-k-y...na-na na-na na’”