Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Tuesday Poetry

Lotos-Eaters, by Alfred Tennyson

“COURAGE!” he said, and pointed toward the land,
“This mounting wave will roll us shoreward soon.”
In the afternoon they came unto a land
In which it seemed always afternoon.
All round the coast the languid air did swoon,
Breathing like one that hath a weary dream.
Full-faced above the valley stood the moon;
And, like a downward smoke, the slender stream
Along the cliff to fall and pause and fall did seem.

A land of streams! some, like a downward smoke,
Slow-dropping veils of thinnest lawn, did go;
And some thro’ wavering lights and shadows broke,
Rolling a slumbrous sheet of foam below.
They saw the gleaming river seaward flow
From the inner land; far off, three mountain-tops,
Three silent pinnacles of aged snow,
Stood sunset-flush’d; and, dew’d with showery drops,
Up-clomb the shadowy pine above the woven copse.

The charmed sunset linger’d low adown
In the red West; thro’ mountain clefts the dale
Was seen far inland, and the yellow down
Border’d with palm, and many a winding vale
And meadow, set with slender galingale;
A land where all things always seem’d the same!
And round about the keel with faces pale,
Dark faces pale against that rosy flame,
The mild-eyed melancholy Lotos-eaters came.

Branches they bore of that enchanted stem,
Laden with flower and fruit, whereof they gave
To each, but whoso did receive of them
And taste, to him the gushing of the wave
Far far away did seem to mourn and rave
On alien shores; and if his fellow spake,
His voice was thin, as voices from the grave;
And deep-asleep he seem’d, yet all awake,
And music in his ears his beating heart did make.

They sat them down upon the yellow sand,
Between the sun and moon upon the shore;
And sweet it was to dream of Fatherland,
Of child, and wife, and slave; but evermore
Most weary seem’d the sea, weary the oar,
Weary the wandering fields of barren foam.
Then some one said, “We will return no more;”
And all at once they sang, “Our island home
Is far beyond the wave; we will no longer roam.”

CHORIC SONG
I
There is sweet music here that softer falls
Than petals from blown roses on the grass,
Or night-dews on still waters between walls
Of shadowy granite, in a gleaming pass;
Music that gentlier on the spirit lies,
Than tir’d eyelids upon tir’d eyes;
Music that brings sweet sleep down from the blissful skies.
Here are cool mosses deep,
And thro’ the moss the ivies creep,
And in the stream the long-leaved flowers weep,
And from the craggy ledge the poppy hangs in sleep.

II
Why are we weigh’d upon with heaviness,
And utterly consumed with sharp distress,
While all things else have rest from weariness?
All things have rest: why should we toil alone,
We only toil, who are the first of things,
And make perpetual moan,
Still from one sorrow to another thrown;
Nor ever fold our wings,
And cease from wanderings,
Nor steep our brows in slumber’s holy balm;
Nor harken what the inner spirit sings,
“There is no joy but calm!”—
Why should we only toil, the roof and crown of things?

III
Lo! in the middle of the wood,
The folded leaf is woo’d from out the bud
With winds upon the branch, and there
Grows green and broad, and takes no care,
Sun-steep’d at noon, and in the moon
Nightly dew-fed; and turning yellow
Falls, and floats adown the air.
Lo! sweeten’d with the summer light,
The full-juiced apple, waxing over-mellow,
Drops in a silent autumn night.
All its allotted length of days
The flower ripens in its place,
Ripens and fades, and falls, and hath no toil,
Fast-rooted in the fruitful soil.

IV
Hateful is the dark-blue sky,
Vaulted o’er the dark-blue sea.
Death is the end of life; ah, why
Should life all labor be?
Let us alone. Time driveth onward fast,
And in a little while our lips are dumb.
Let us alone. What is it that will last?
All things are taken from us, and become
Portions and parcels of the dreadful past.
Let us alone. What pleasure can we have
To war with evil? Is there any peace
In ever climbing up the climbing wave?
All things have rest, and ripen toward the grave
In silence—ripen, fall, and cease:
Give us long rest or death, dark death, or dreamful ease.

V
How sweet it were, hearing the downward stream,
With half-shut eyes ever to seem
Falling asleep in a half-dream!
To dream and dream, like yonder amber light,
Which will not leave the myrrh-bush on the height;
To hear each other’s whisper’d speech;
Eating the Lotos day by day,
To watch the crisping ripples on the beach,
And tender curving lines of creamy spray;
To lend our hearts and spirits wholly
To the influence of mild-minded melancholy;
To muse and brood and live again in memory,
With those old faces of our infancy
Heap’d over with a mound of grass,
Two handfuls of white dust, shut in an urn of brass!

VI
Dear is the memory of our wedded lives,
And dear the last embraces of our wives
And their warm tears; but all hath suffer’d change;
For surely now our household hearths are cold,
Our sons inherit us, our looks are strange,
And we should come like ghosts to trouble joy.
Or else the island princes over-bold
Have eat our substance, and the minstrel sings
Before them of the ten years’ war in Troy,
And our great deeds, as half-forgotten things.
Is there confusion in the little isle?
Let what is broken so remain.
The Gods are hard to reconcile;
’Tis hard to settle order once again.
There is confusion worse than death,
Trouble on trouble, pain on pain,
Long labor unto aged breath,
Sore task to hearts worn out by many wars
And eyes grown dim with gazing on the pilot-stars.

VII
But, propped on beds of amaranth and moly,
How sweet—while warm airs lull us, blowing lowly—
With half-dropped eyelids still,
Beneath a heaven dark and holy,
To watch the long bright river drawing slowly
His waters from the purple hill—
To hear the dewy echoes calling
From cave to cave thro’ the thick-twined vine—
To watch the emerald-color’d water falling
Thro’ many a woven acanthus-wreath divine!
Only to hear and see the far-off sparkling brine,
Only to hear were sweet, stretch’d out beneath the pine.

VIII
The Lotos blooms below the barren peak,
The Lotos blows by every winding creek;
All day the wind breathes low with mellower tone;
Thro’ every hollow cave and alley lone
Round and round the spicy downs the yellow Lotos-dust is blown.
We have had enough of action, and of motion we,
Roll’d to starboard, roll’d to larboard, when the surge was seething free,
Where the wallowing monster spouted his foam-fountains in the sea.
Let us swear an oath, and keep it with an equal mind,
In the hollow Lotos-land to live and lie reclined
On the hills like Gods together, careless of mankind.
For they lie beside their nectar, and the bolts are hurl’d
Far below them in the valleys, and the clouds are lightly curl’d
Round their golden houses, girdled with the gleaming world;
Where they smile in secret, looking over wasted lands,
Blight and famine, plague and earthquake, roaring deeps and fiery sands,
Clanging fights, and flaming towns, and sinking ships, and praying hands.
But they smile, they find a music centred in a doleful song
Steaming up, a lamentation and an ancient tale of wrong,
Like a tale of little meaning tho’ the words are strong;
Chanted from an ill-used race of men that cleave the soil,
Sow the seed, and reap the harvest with enduring toil,
Storing yearly little dues of wheat, and wine and oil;
Till they perish and they suffer—some, ’tis whisper’d—down in hell
Suffer endless anguish, others in Elysian valleys dwell,
Resting weary limbs at last on beds of asphodel.
Surely, surely, slumber is more sweet than toil, the shore
Than labor in the deep mid-ocean, wind and wave and oar;
O, rest ye, brother mariners, we will not wander more.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Shit

My friend's mother died today. It was completely unexpected. When I spoke to her, she still didn't know how or why, and was waiting for a ride to the hospital to find out.

Friday, December 23, 2005

It's the hap-happiest season of all

Yesterday afternoon, I got a phone call that really pissed me off. It was the student who had been harassed by Dookie the other week. She was calling to let me know that her complaint about Dookie had finally been "resolved", at least to the satisfaction of the university. After meetings with Dookie and his advisor, the university official in charge of this case decreed that Dookie should not interact with the student he verbally assaulted, unless it's in an academic setting. Apparently the university officials forgot the initial cause for complaint occurred in an academic setting. And that there was at least one other student who wanted to file a complaint. What the fuck were they thinking? Holy shit.

I was so mad when I heard about this "resolution". So mad it seemed likely my plans for the evening were going to start crashing down. I had errands to run: stop at my favorite local herb farm before it closed, visit one of the first years to get her key and cat sitting instructions, and possibly, if time and mood permitted, do some holiday light sight seeing. After the call, I was seethingly angry though and started seeing things in that "fuck it" kind of way. You know, the one that gets you into the mode of "Fuck it. The herb farm is probably already closed anyhow." I started getting angrier at the thought of my errands being all messed up, basically I started having an internal tantrum. Rrrrrg. I told myself that if I didn't get out and at least try to get my shit done, then I was letting Dookie do even more damage. "Come on, git!" I told myself, "Get out there and do what you were going to do! No falling apart now. He has no right to this big a chunk of you." It is not always easy or warranted, but being able to kick yourself in the butt is a useful thing now and then.

Running late then, it was nearly dark when my friend A___ and I took off in a rush with 20 minutes til the herb farm closed. I ranted about Dookie nearly all the way, then finally said "Man I have GOT to talk about something else. This is pissing me off way too much."
About a minute later, we pulled into the parking lot. My heart sunk...it looked like the gift barn part of the herb farm was all closed up. Too late. Fuck. Fucking Dookie, I started thinking again. Fucking university. Fuck.

We parked and knocked at the farm house anyhow. A woman opened the door, already putting on her coat to lead us down to the gift barn. As she turned on a few more lights in the barn, two beautiful and extremely friendly orange striped cats dislodged themselves from corners and drifted out to greet us. I have to say, I really do love this herb farm. It's a little run down, but it is one of the few things about this god forsaken state that I loved immediately. When I first moved here in 1998, my ex husband and I owned a house that was a little over a mile from the herb farm. I used to go there often, walk the grounds, look at the gardens, listen to the goats, and pat the various cats (then it was Crow and Patches). It has always been a place of peace, beauty, and healing for me.

The two orange cats are relatively new additions. Their mother, Agate, was a stray who wandered onto the grounds some years back. Obviously pregnant, Agate was so sweet and gorgeous that people were asking to be put on a list to adopt her kittens. A few months later, I came by again and found Agate teaching her group of orange kittens how to hunt. The two orange cats who greeted me yesterday night were from this litter. Miaow and Tigger, a female and male, practically assaulted me and A___ with purring, insistent kitty love. Miaow knocked over the essential oils in her attempt to show me how agile she was. Tigger got A___ to kneel down on the floor for pats, then latched onto the zipper of A___'s coat and would not let go. At one point when I was on the floor patting both cats they got so enthusiastic about the patting that they started nuzzling eachother as well as my hands. Ahhhh...kitty therapy to the rescue!

Miaow and Tigger's mom, Agate

We left. I could still feel the outrage over the Dookie situation, but was much calmer. We called the first year student (call her Sharon for simplicity's sake) to see if she was ready for us to swing by. Sharon is in her 40s and is a strong although somewhat traditionally feminine woman. She left her "real job" and sold her house to come to grad school, an act of immense bravery I think. Sharon was married for many years. After her marriage ended (quite some time ago) she fell in love with someone named Donald. Donald was diagnosed with Huntington's disease...I'm not sure on the timeline for that. I hope that they had some years together without this hanging over them. Sharon had told me how Donald had deteriorated to the point where he recently had to go into an assisted living facility. She's been a little weepy when she's talked about him in the past, understandably so. When I got Sharon on the phone last night, she was sobbing. She told me she just got news Donald is in what sounds like multi-system failure and will quite likely die within the next few days. She wanted to go to him, but had to spend the holidays with her family.

A___ and I stayed for a little while at Sharon's house. She was doing laundry in preparation for her weekend away. We talked about Donald, we talked about Dookie, about christmases past that we didn't celebrate much and why. This year, Sharon has no tree but got a poinsettia so her mom wouldn't think she needed antidepressants, she told me laughing a little. I don't bother with that kind of external, and I start to express this. Then I realize as it's coming out of my mouth that Sharon probably bought the plant to convince herself she didn't need antidepressants. Sometimes I am a complete idiot.

A___ and I left Sharon to her laundry and her grief. A___ told me about his dad who has T cell lymphoma leukemia. A___'s dad is immunocompromised and can't shake a months long respiratory infection. From what A___ has told me, the approach his dad's doctors are taking seems very, oh what's the word? STUPID? Phone conversations between his dad and either to PCP or oncologist go like this: "What you again? I don't know what else you want to do. I mean, it's just an antibiotic resistant respiratory infection. Go home, take some more antibiotics and try not to give this to your wife and grandchildren." I guess they don't want to be bothered to treat anything less than an utterly destroyed immune system. A___ says "So if I'm a little quiet or not here or something, it's probably because I'm thinking about this still." I appreciate the notice. We drove. "You wanna go find some decorations?" A___ asked.
Hell yes.


The first one we came across by accident. We were en route to a house of mythically gaudy christmas decor, but as we drove down a connecting back road, I spied puffy cartoon x-mas splendor hulking on the lawn of a modest ranch house. "Turn around" I said calmy but firmly to A___. He swung the car back without even asking why. "Oh my god!" he said as we cruised the lawn. We pulled in across the street, A___ readying his camera and me pulling off my coat as I walked. "Are you ready? Here I go...."
We snapped two photos then ran back to the car hooting with laughter. On to the next one. We scanned the radio for bad christmas music that we sang along with, tunelessly and loud.

As we pulled up to our destination, we saw cars pulled over on the road near the house. Families were walkingthrough this strange suburban christmasland yard, admiring sights like Huge Panda and Candycane and panoramas with animatronic dolls in victorian garb "singing" christmas carols. We took several pictures here. The hard part was trying to get my t-shirt in the shots without exposing the children and wholesome families to my profane christmas sentiment.


On our way out of town, we found a lovely sleigh I wanted to try to get in....










...but I nearly broke it. We left in a hurry, driving north towards campus.

Before we got to campus, we pulled in for a quick shot at a local baptist church's nativity scene. We called Sharon from campus to invite her over to watch Christmas Vacation and Bad Santa. She declined, but said it was nice to know she had the option.





Why do people say christmas is the "most wonderful time of the year"? The news is as disturbing as ever, possibly more so (e.g., violence at the walmarts (1, 2)). The president is unapologetically spying on US citizens and I am not entirely sure the citizens know or care. I'm not the only one who is agitated and angry - The local police department has announced that it will be targetting aggressive drivers and speeders due to the recent rise in aggressive driving incidents. This week, my brother did crystal again, my friends - torn between "celebration" and grief over sick or dying family and loved ones - are fighting valiantly to stay afloat, and I find myself with spontaneous thoughts of vandalism, mayhem, and asswhuppings I'd love to hand out like fruit cakes.

No, this is not the most wonderful time of the year. Any genuine cheer you find should be cherished, even if it is slightly skewed, warped cheer. Real "christmas magic" isn't getting sales on all your holiday needs, decorating your lawn with huge air filled rippling cartoon christmas icons, or setting up the lights so they flash in perfect time. The joy of the holiday season is not guaranteed by forcing everyone in the family, no matter how much they hate each other, to sit down together for the traditional holiday rituals. The real magic is finding genuine happiness in these darkest hours of the year.